My babies are growing up. I knew it was coming, the day when I no longer have any "babies." I am mildly freaking out that Ian and I agreed on his "little procedure" to ensure we have no more children. To be fair, we have always felt that having more than two biological children is environmentally irresponsible. The world population is out of control, our carbon footprint is giant, and there are tons of kids who need a loving family if we decide on more than two children. It all makes sense to me and I honestly still believe in our reasoning. But, as Ev turns into a preschooler I miss babies more and more.
I miss the snuggles, the closeness, the gurgles and coos. I miss the tiny clothing that's softer than anything else in the world, I miss holding a tiny one in my Ergo carrier, I even LOVED hiking with a baby strapped to me! I miss those quiet and peaceful moments late at night, where my mind would wander to all this baby would do, learn, experience, and love. I even miss breastfeeding and that tether to my babies.
However, Ian is quick to remind me of the evil cranky Kim who lived on three hours of sleep a day for months on end. How hard it was to plan anything with a baby who needs feedings and naps constantly. How we never ate a meal with each other because a baby needed to be changed, eat, held, or rocked. How our car rides ANYWHERE were miserable because both of our babies hated the car and screamed for hours on end.
Also, I feel so sad that I will not be pregnant again. I was so lucky and had wonderful pregnancies. Of course there was the usual aches, bloating, and uncomfortableness, but it was minor and for the most part I felt like a million bucks.
I am sure this is something many people go through as their babies turn into kids. It does feel like our family is complete and we are fortunate to have a girl and a boy. A very girlie girl and a boy, boy, boy. We get to experience princesses and car crashes, dance recitals and spiderman.
Last week, I took off Everett's teething necklace and cried. Later that day, I received Holden's supply list for preschool and cried again. Tears because I love them, am proud of the people they are becoming, and proud of us for doing ok so far!
I am trying to peacefully and confidently say goodbye to the baby phase of our lives and enjoy my children and focus on our bright and shiny futures together as a family.